whats going on ..

i think it's safe to say that i am not exaggerating .. that i am pretty calm down and am looking at this matter rather objectively ..

after 2 emails, an sms and yet another email in the morning .. what do i get? practically nothing! nothing more than a 5 sec voicemail just saying my name and some other words mumbled ..

i called her .. we chatted for around 10 mins .. just to keep it lively i tried opening up all sorts of subjects .. although i played it cool or tried to at least it was more like gulping down a shard of glass .. it hurts .. the "longer" it goes the deeper it rips through .. and if you try choking it out it'll just scandalize you before whomever is there ..

10 mins enriched with "sayang, sweetie, habibi and honey" and i didn't even get a "take care dear" ..

if you don't want me, if you don't like me, tell me so .. curse me out of your life but don't kill me slowly with your mistimed nonchalance ..

i asked about the sms i sent you .. sure i knew it had gone thru .. didn't u get the jist ??? i changed my g-status to "i miss you .. but y arent you there?" .. don't you get it?

i know this must not be easy for you .. but believe me it's worse for me .. but i've never known you being "cold" .. yes i would much rather have you get angry at me, perhaps even offend me with an impolite word or two .. but don't become "french" or "german", hence emotionless

weird coincidence .. i haven't heard celine dion in quite some time .. and just yesterday in the midst of this emotional holocaust there came her song saying "i xxxx xxx .. please say you xxxx xx too"

yet another question ..

she says she loves me .. I've been trying to be considerate of her time and both her mental and physical condition .. you know she comes back from school tired , loaded with a bunch of new french words, so she is definitely not in the mood to listen to long lectures or philosophical monologues i usually start when feeling down.

she says she loves me .. does that go hand in hand with when i email her a nice short loving mail and not get a reply .. when i text her on her mobile and not get any kind of response .. she might not have credit but she does have internet, doesn't she? so is this what "i love you" is about ..

she can't be as busy as not to have the time to drop me a line .. one single line .. that's all i am asking for ..

i mean i sometimes used to go against the physics of mother earth and the solar system and extend the day 35 hours instead of doing the regular 24 just for her .. there were times when i left work for her, didn't go to work for her .. and one she was angry with me during australs .. i didn't close a lid all night long and stayed by her side till 8 in the morning on the next day just to tell her i was sorry and that i loved her ..

a line .. just one line ...

she's done a lot for me before .. that i do not deny but today's situation is different .. what counts is the here and now ..

it hurts to love somebody so much .. it's not always to adjust your expectations to reality or worst-case scenarios .. you just lose control

i hold on burning charcoal and the thing is it sticks to your flesh and you can't drop it anymore ..

maybe all of this is temporary .. maybe it'll be so good with her once i am over there that all this will be forgotten

i am thinking of you a lot .. picturing and wishing that it'll be so breath taking with you that you would wanna come back with me to munich to celebrate new years .. oh that would be unfuckingbelievably awesome ..

s'ayapo

karma

karma .. a very strong word .. it could hurt and it hurts when somebody thinks that you wanting to get back together with them is "karma". why? is wanting to get back together with somebody a sign of despair or is it a sin? i wanna be with you because i love you and not because i am desperate. i wanna be with you because i see the world through your eyes and because there is nobody out there who would not be with me.

i wanna be with you because you are the only one i have missed this much. you are the only one, whose existence in my mind made me say "no" to others, when they were right between my arms. i chose you .. i choose you ..

french, spanish or italian .. hhmmmm .. no don't wanna talk about that .. but maybe i do .. is he the reason why you want me to be there specifically from the 23rd to the 27th only .. is he gonna be there afterwards .. are you gonna spend time with him? are you then gonna choose cuz I don't like being an option even if i was in first place ...

but you talked to him frankly about me you say and i believe you .. because you have never lied to me and i love you and respect you for that. but is it possible that after taking a step back from him you might take a step towards him after christmas? who knows? perhaps!!!

don't misunderstand me .. it's her right to do so. she deserves a happy and most important a fulfilled life.

but hey i am just human. i can't not feel jealous although i never have with anyone else before. i can't strip away my emotions and say "you know what? as long as she's happy i am happy" .. i'd be lying if i said that. maybe in the future if things don't work out for good and i absorb reality but not now for now i want to be with her for now i love her ...

hmmm

she was quite cranky today .. i know she had quite a long day behind her .. but to sound that agitated .. i don't know .. is it normal? should i be casual about it? the thing is we are walking on thin ice, hence, should it have been coming from tiredness, i would have been grateful had she not showed it that much .. the thing is i don't think she could hear her own self ..

and to call me "paranoid" and "pushy" just for asking her what was wrong .. isn't that a bit too much for now. I mean not even a week is over ever since the contact has been re-established.

anyways i booked the flight. i can't wait to see her actually. i miss her quite a lot and i just hope that i make it to her and that nothing, as in no fights or strong disagreements, comes in the way and stops me from flying to her. I really miss her ..

hi guys

hi guys,

this is my first post. i haven't "blogged" before so i am not quite sure how this goes. anyways it's my birthday (21.11.) well past my birthday since it's already after midnight .. ya well you'll get more post ..

take care