first time states

Wow .. it's been almost a year since my last post! The only reason I do recognize that this is my blog is because I am using the same background picture for my desktop.

I've always resorted to my blog as my get-away from the whole world .. it's a place that makes me happy .. it's like that spot you stop at some point through your jogging outing .. you catch a breath, enjoy the scenery but are adamant about not stopping too long for you don't want your body to cool down from the circulation rush ..

In less than 3 weeks I am gonna see the one person who's made me laugh the most in life, cry the most in life, mature the most, kid the most .. it's like she's driven me to the extreme ends of all behavioral opposites .. and i can tell you one thing: that has been exciting .. it's so exciting to discover emotions you didn't know existed in you. And it's been so exciting to see my influence on her too .. She isn't today what she was a year ago .. actually that's not quite right .. Her and I today aren't what we used to be a year ago on both an individual level and as a relationship couple.

Well I promised this was gonna be that quick breeze so I need to jog back now .. I am manic about seeing you in three weeks ..

ahibek ..

her ..

ya .. don't really know what to say .. it's been 3 years of wicked games, goofing around, having fun, coasting thru that part of life they call "love life" on my looks, wits and not caring less .. i am the guy and i was the one being asked out on dates, having my dinner paid for, getting expensive gifts .. i won't deny it .. i felt like a man whore and it felt good .. it made me change my opinion on female whores .. i mean i now understand them fully ;) .. a week or two of intimacy with her, then with her, then with her and so on .. no strings attached .. unfortunately they did wanna attach those strings sometimes but i always managed to get away

then i got fed up with it .. i just had too much .. so abstinence and celibacy opened the door and entered my life and for the first time they were called welcomed guests ..

then she came along .. green eyes (she says they're blue) .. loveliest cheek bones i ve ever seen .. a nose so tiny and beautiful as if it had been crafted individually by the Hands of God O'Mighty himself .. the straight silk hair .. and a figure .. wow .. just what I love

You'd think she would be an arrogant unbearable stuck-up .. and she would have every right to be .. but she's a gentle and shy young lady who nevertheless is very strong and self confident on the inside which is why i value her so highly .. cuz it's usually those who excessively reflect self confidence to the outside world are the ones living in a run down inner world where they are so self conscious that prozac makes for a daily companion

she's the exact opposite ... there's so much to write about her that if i let my fingers flow over this keyboard right now at 23:22 i would probably still be typing at the same time tomorrow .. so for now let me end this post by saying .. "it's so difficult not to fall for you, heather"

new layout

the new layout is so gayyyyyy :) ... but i like it, which does not reflect my sexual orientation =) ... couldn't get my hands on any cool background theme .. well whatever .. cheers mates!

أفكار

على نغمات نصير شمة

Gaza

They used to say Palestinians fight like heroes ... now they say heroes fight like Palestinians

God bless Gaza!

whats going on ..

i think it's safe to say that i am not exaggerating .. that i am pretty calm down and am looking at this matter rather objectively ..

after 2 emails, an sms and yet another email in the morning .. what do i get? practically nothing! nothing more than a 5 sec voicemail just saying my name and some other words mumbled ..

i called her .. we chatted for around 10 mins .. just to keep it lively i tried opening up all sorts of subjects .. although i played it cool or tried to at least it was more like gulping down a shard of glass .. it hurts .. the "longer" it goes the deeper it rips through .. and if you try choking it out it'll just scandalize you before whomever is there ..

10 mins enriched with "sayang, sweetie, habibi and honey" and i didn't even get a "take care dear" ..

if you don't want me, if you don't like me, tell me so .. curse me out of your life but don't kill me slowly with your mistimed nonchalance ..

i asked about the sms i sent you .. sure i knew it had gone thru .. didn't u get the jist ??? i changed my g-status to "i miss you .. but y arent you there?" .. don't you get it?

i know this must not be easy for you .. but believe me it's worse for me .. but i've never known you being "cold" .. yes i would much rather have you get angry at me, perhaps even offend me with an impolite word or two .. but don't become "french" or "german", hence emotionless

weird coincidence .. i haven't heard celine dion in quite some time .. and just yesterday in the midst of this emotional holocaust there came her song saying "i xxxx xxx .. please say you xxxx xx too"

yet another question ..

she says she loves me .. I've been trying to be considerate of her time and both her mental and physical condition .. you know she comes back from school tired , loaded with a bunch of new french words, so she is definitely not in the mood to listen to long lectures or philosophical monologues i usually start when feeling down.

she says she loves me .. does that go hand in hand with when i email her a nice short loving mail and not get a reply .. when i text her on her mobile and not get any kind of response .. she might not have credit but she does have internet, doesn't she? so is this what "i love you" is about ..

she can't be as busy as not to have the time to drop me a line .. one single line .. that's all i am asking for ..

i mean i sometimes used to go against the physics of mother earth and the solar system and extend the day 35 hours instead of doing the regular 24 just for her .. there were times when i left work for her, didn't go to work for her .. and one she was angry with me during australs .. i didn't close a lid all night long and stayed by her side till 8 in the morning on the next day just to tell her i was sorry and that i loved her ..

a line .. just one line ...

she's done a lot for me before .. that i do not deny but today's situation is different .. what counts is the here and now ..

it hurts to love somebody so much .. it's not always to adjust your expectations to reality or worst-case scenarios .. you just lose control

i hold on burning charcoal and the thing is it sticks to your flesh and you can't drop it anymore ..

maybe all of this is temporary .. maybe it'll be so good with her once i am over there that all this will be forgotten

i am thinking of you a lot .. picturing and wishing that it'll be so breath taking with you that you would wanna come back with me to munich to celebrate new years .. oh that would be unfuckingbelievably awesome ..